I typed most of this last night and then finished it this morning but couldn’t decide if I was going to post it or not. I am still very on the fence about it this afternoon. But I keep going back to the fact that I wanted this blog to be honest. And how honest would I be if I’m not sharing the difficult times right along with the wonderful, fun, and amazing times? I promise, the majority of this blog will be happy and fun. 🙂
I know I have opened up about my struggle with postpartum before, but I’m having a hard day today with my “big black dog.” I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I’ve gone through spurts where I’m on medication and I talk to someone but I always quit for one reason or another. I feel it’s time to get back to that. And because I don’t have anyone to talk to yet I’m talking to the cyber world. I also want to put this out there because I told myself, and all of you, I was going to be honest. I was going to lay it all out there, no matter how ugly. So here it is; I have a black dog, his name is depression.
I love this video appropriately named I had a black dog, his name was depression because it really explains how depression feels. It explains it in a way that someone who’s never suffered from depression can understand; which I know is an issue in my life. Simply put, my husband does not understand because he has never struggled with depression. My big black dog causes arguments. It causes hurt feelings. It causes problems. It’s hard on both Tyson and I. Tyson tries to be helpful and he tries to be supportive, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. Sometimes I don’t even know how he can be supportive. All of which I’m sure is incredibly frustrating. I’m sure it’s not easy to live with someone like me. I don’t blame him for getting frustrated or upset. Sometimes these moods just come out of the blue, for no reason at all.
Tyson tries to be helpful and he tries to be supportive, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. But that’s my fault because sometimes I don’t even know how he can be supportive. All of which I’m sure is incredibly frustrating. I know it’s not easy to live with someone like me. I don’t blame him for getting frustrated or upset. Sometimes these moods just come out of the blue, for no reason at all.
There are days when I wake up and just want to lay in bed all day. Days when I get in the shower simply so I can cry and my kids and/or Tyson won’t see or hear me. Tyson will ask me what’s wrong and I tell him “I don’t know” because I truly don’t. I just woke up feeling so low it is almost crippling.
Just the other day I told him I was having a hard day, broke down, and started crying in front of him. We went about our usual daily activities and I tried to get over it, or at least hide it better. I thought I had done a pretty damn good job, but later that night he told me how my bad moods (or depression) put him in a bad mood. How I’m miserable to live with and be around when I’m like this. It’s gut wrenching to hear those things from someone you love. It’s such a reality check of how hard I’m making everyone’s lives. He’s told me this before a number of times, and every single time I make a promise to myself that I need to do a better job at hiding it. I need to do a better job at getting over what ever the fuck is wrong with my head. I need to do a better job with my life in general. I feel like I do good for a little while and then I have a hard few days and it happens all over again.
It happened again last night. I was told I’m miserable to be around, again. I felt like shit, again. I felt completely worthless, again. I went to bed to cry, again. I made promises to myself I knew I couldn’t keep, again.
I’m tired of fighting this.
I don’t want to be a miserable person to be around.
I don’t want to push my husband away.
I don’t want my children to see me like this.
It’s frustrating too because it doesn’t happen because something bad has happened, sometimes it just happens for no reason at all. It ramps up all of my anxieties and insecurities. It makes me cranky. It leaves me with little to no patience for anyone or anything. It stresses me out. It causes me to have anxiety.
It’s embarrassing. I hope people that meet me would never guess I struggle with anxiety and depression. I hope I’ve become good at hiding it. I hope I’ve become good at masking my problems.
Then there’s the issue of my anxiety. My anxiety can just hit me out of the blue. It can show itself when I least expect it. Or something can remind me of a bad time in my life or make me uncomfortable and I start to lose control. When either of these things happens I can’t catch my breath. My chest hurts. It feels like I can’t breathe. I try and hide it by yawning. I try and go into the other room to take a few deep breaths. I try to disappear. My brain just literally won’t shut down. I will lay in bed for hours. I can be exhausted but I can’t sleep because I’m just going over and over things in my head.
I’ve learned that my anxiety and depression go hand in hand. One does not come without the other.
I’m tired of being this way.
I promise myself all the time how I will change. How I will be in a better mood from now on. How I won’t let this get to me anymore. But it never works. I can never keep those promises to myself or my family.
I hate my big black dog.
Enough bitching, time to try and find a new psychologist or psychiatrist. I am going to make a change for myself. I’ve been calling doctors this morning trying to find one taking new patients with an opening that fits in our schedule. Keep your fingers crossed I can find someone I like.
It’s time for a change.
My husband deserves better.
My children deserve better.
I deserve better.
I also like the video What causes anxiety and depression – Inside Out