Girl’s Girl

I’ve been contemplating these terms of “girl’s girl” and “man’s man.” What do they really mean when you get down to it? Is it wrong to not be a “girl’s girl” or a “man’s man?” Should we want to fall into these categories? Will we have more friends if we do? Are they just another skewed stereotype that only fits a small percentage of people?

For this blog, I’m just going to focus on being a “girls girl” since it would be the stereotype or group I should/would fall into. Let me start this by stating I have always wanted to be a “girl’s girl.” I have always wanted to have a lot of girlfriends and be the type of girl other girls want to hang out with. I have never been that type of girl though and I never really knew why. I always only had one or two girlfriends and the rest were males. I have always had more fun with males than females. I have always connected better with males than females. I have always trusted males more than females.

For a while there I thought I was making some good progress with the friends I’ve made at the gym the past few months. They were all fellow moms, which is always helpful when looking for other female friends. But sometimes it just doesn’t click like I thought it would. However, I realize it will take time to build up those friendships. And it’s not always reciprocated, and if that’s the case, it’s okay.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get into the girl talk? Why can’t I be a “girl’s girl?” Why can’t I have a ‘tribe’?

I decided to do a little internet digging into what makes you a “girl’s girl” and everything I found was very cliche and, honestly, obnoxious. All those stereotypical girl things I don’t like about having those stereotypical girlfriends were all the reasons there are “girl’s girls,” or signs of a “girl’s girl.”

Maybe I am just stuck being more of a “guy’s girl,” but maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Maybe that’s why my husband likes me? (Doubt it, but it’s worth a shot. ahaha) Maybe it’s what makes me so outgoing and fun? Maybe it’s what makes me approachable? Or maybe it’s preparing me for having teenage sons and grown sons of my own. Or maybe, just maybe, there is nothing wrong with not being a “girl’s girl” and those stereotypes suck anyway.

Yeah, I like that last option. 🙂

So, here’s to all my “guy’s girls:”

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad because you would rather be one of the guys.
Don’t let anyone criticize you for not having a traditional ‘tribe.’
Don’t let anyone say you are threatened by females because you aren’t. You just have different interests and that’s okay!
Girl, don’t ever change!
And last, but not least, fill your ‘tribe’ up with the best dudes you’ve got!

Things I Love About Being a Mom that I Would Not Normally Admit

There are so many things no one tells you about when you become a parent. So many things! No one tells you how hard it’s going to be, how no one really knows what they are doing, you don’t get any privacy, and the list goes on and on. There are so many things I wish someone would have told me before I got pregnant with Cash. However, that’s in the past and it’s time to move on; because let’s face it, these boys keep me on my toes!

So here are a few things I love about being a mom that I would have never thought was special or a blessing before I had children.

  • Baby Breath.
  • 1 AM wake up calls just because he wants to snuggle in bed with me.
  • Getting kicked or hit in the middle of the night.
  • Folding their tiny little clothes.
  • Watching them throw fits directed at someone other than me.
  • Learning important lessons, like I desperately need to work on my patience.
  • How amazing it is that I can love and hate my child at the same time.
  • My children push me to do things I wouldn’t normally do or like to do.
  • All the bruises I have from my kids just wanting to play or snuggle with me. (Not the ones I get from Tate hitting or biting me!)
  • How messy our house is because the boys are busy living and having fun.
  • They both truly know how to push my buttons better than anyone else.

A Vodka Worthy Day

Somehow my aunt just knew that I was struggling today. She randomly sent me this adorable video from FB:

So a little insight into my day:

My kids are driving me crazy!

All they have done today is argue with me, whine at me, and ignore me when I ask them to do things.

Every time I told Cash ‘no’ he would either meltdown, whine and scream or he would growl and pout. I was seriously ready to smack him at the end of the day. Thankfully Tyson came home and let me put my headphones in and work on my homework while he entertained Cash.

As for Tate, he just cried and wanted to be held since I got home from class, at 11! I couldn’t get him to nap unless I laid down and he got to snuggle on my chest. Which is cute and so adorable but today I was hungry and I had so much homework/studying to do. I didn’t eat much or get any homework done.

I was counting down the minutes until Tyson text me telling me he was on his way home. While I was trying to tell myself I didn’t need a drink yet and it could wait until at least 5 pm. 😦

My aunt gave me some great advice tonight and made me feel so much better about the whole day. Here’s how the conversation went:

ME: ❤ Thank you. I needed to see this today. ❤

AUNT: I totally saw you and the boys when I watched it. 💛💛💛

ME: I hope they love me that much and have good days ..Today was not one of those days. I yelled a lot.

AUNT: Those days happen, I think they remember the good days. Just always end the day with I love you….even if they are asleep before you can actually calm down enough to say it. 💜

 

I don’t know what prompted her to send me that video but it has made my night so much better and easier to deal with mentally. I am so incredibly lucky to have such a great role model in my life who loves me as unconditionally as she does.

I love you, Karen. ❤

 

Dear 17-Year-Old-Me

I’m so excited to introduce Victoria. We “met” via Instagram and I’ve truly enjoyed getting to know her! We have quite a bit in common, which is always a fun thing to find out about someone new. 🙂 I hope you enjoy her post. And go check out her blog and IG account. ❤

 

Let me introduce myself – I’m Victoria from Life In The Ginger Lane  and Ashley has very kindly allowed me to Guest Blog for her.  I’m from just outside Glasgow in Scotland, wife of 4 years to David and Mummy to my gorgeous 2.5 year old boy Connor.  I started my blog last year as a means to try and get back into writing which is something I’ve always loved.  I have had my own struggles with depression and anxiety and as a result, my confidence has taken quite a hit so I’m slowly but surely trying to gain some of that back.  Please pop over to my blog and give it a read, it’s a work in progress so any hints or tips are greatly appreciated!  I’m also on instagram @lifeinthegingerlane so do come and say hi!

I’m turning 27 this year – how the hell did that happen?  So for this post, I thought I’d have a look back over the past 10 years and write a letter to me when I was 17.

Dear 17-year-old Victoria,

I know you think you know it all but University at 17 is not such a great idea for you – you’re just not ready yet.  The last year of school is a complete skive for a reason.  I know you have the brains to pull it off and you would have graduated no problem had other things not gotten in your way, but you’re just not as mature as you think you are.  You’re not old enough to drink alcohol so there is very little point in going to Freshers week; I don’t think you realize quite how much of Uni life is made up by the socializing outside of lectures, usually in a pub/bar.  You will tough it out for 2 years and then you have no other choice but to pack it in, let’s be honest, it was never what you wanted to do anyway.  Psychology is far too full of research methods and statistics for you, you have always been more of a language lover.  Writing is where you should be focusing your time.

It’ll take you a long time to realize that though, and even sitting here now I can’t say 100% that you are living your dream.  You are gradually finding your way back to writing but confidence is an issue; you will get there though, I can feel it!

Mum is right, he is an absolute waste of space but it will take you another year and a half before you realize it for yourself and by then the damage will already have been done.  Never mind, you will manage to pick yourself up and in the long run you will come out of it a stronger, better person.  And believe it or not, you have already met the man you are going to marry, I’m not going to tell you who, you’ll just have to wait another 2 years to find out for yourself.  But I will say that you will be married by the time you’re 22.  Your husband is an amazing man; it’s not going to be an easy road but you will get there, all your struggles will just make you stronger in the end.

Please know that Mum and Dad aren’t trying to be the bad guys, although they do give a good impression of it at times I’ll admit.  They really do just want what’s best for you.   And your little sister; she may be an absolute nightmare right now but trust me she is a blessing in disguise.  She is so incredibly protective of you and will back you to the hilt regardless of whether you are in the wrong or not.  She will surprise you time and again – blossoming into a fantastic Auntie before your very eyes, I bet you didn’t see that coming!  You come from a remarkably close knit and loving family, something which you have taken for granted over the years – that isn’t a bad thing, but please be aware that not every family is like yours.  Family is not always everyone elses top priority but it will always be yours.

You will have your struggles with depression and are probably in the beginning stages of that now, you just don’t know the signs.  Luckily for you, Mum does recognize them and together you will work to get you out of that darkness.  It will be a long road to recovery with a few relapses along the way, you are very anti medication – this trait will never leave you but you will eventually realize that taking medication is not a sign of weakness.  Taking medication does not mean that you can’t fight your own battles.  Taking medication is not lying down to depression and accepting that this will be your life.  What it means is that you are accepting that suffering from depression is not your fault, there is a chemical imbalance in your brain which is out with your control.  This will be a very difficult thing for you to do, you hate to be out of control, but you will realize that sometimes you need a little extra help – and that’s okay!

Don’t worry though, once you get yourself back on an even keel you do eventually manage to come off the anti depressants.  You do have the occasional blip but accepting that everyone has down days and they don’t always mean that you need to get to the doctors is a key coping mechanism for you.

Please know that the next 10 years of your life, although they are difficult and filled with times where you can’t always see the light at the end of the tunnel, they are also filled with so much love, laughter, and fun.  You will welcome a beautiful baby boy and in true Victoria fashion that will not go to plan either but you quickly realize that what’s meant to be will be and there is nothing you can do about it.  So please don’t worry, you will be absolutely fine and you should be proud of the woman you have turned into, I know I am.

V x

To my younger self;

As a teenager, I was insecure and so body conscious. I did anything to make friends and keep friends; I just wanted people to like me. As a teenager I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection, failure, and loneliness. Now that I’m in my mid 20’s (UGH! As of next Saturday I will officially be in my late 20’s 😦 ) I can look back on my teenage years with some wisdom; not a lot, but some.

“I have not failed, I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.” – Thomas Edison

To my younger self;

Girl, stand tall; be confident in yourself. You are worthy of friends and love. You do not have to just go along with what your ‘friends’ want or what boys want just to get attention and ‘love’.

You are smart.

You are funny.

You will make true friends who love you for who you are.

Stop being so afraid. You will be rejected, but it’s okay. It’s the not the end of the world, but I know it seems that way. I know you want to lay in bed for days and cry but don’t.

Get up.

Go out and enjoy your life. You will move past this hard time.

You will fail at times, but it makes your success much more enjoyable. These failings will give you the strength and determination to do better with the next adventure.

Never give up because of one failure. Everyone has missteps; everyone fails at some point in their life. You will learn from these mistakes and be a stronger woman for them.

You will be lonely. It’s inevitable; it’s a part of life. However, there will be a day when you enjoy your alone time. I know it seems like you could never imagine spending 4 hours alone, but trust me, you will really enjoy it. Practice going to the movies by yourself, go get dinner alone, go for a walk without your phone. Just spend some time discovering yourself.

At the end of the day, all of these fears are only holding you back from truly enjoying life. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. People will love the real you.

Take a chance.

Go and make friends outside of your ‘group’.

Ask him out to dinner, you never know he may just become your husband. 😉

And spend more time with your dad, he’s not scary at all. He just loves you and wants the best for you. Better yet, spend more time with all of your family. They love you and will really lift you up when you need it the most. Try and be patient with your more difficult family members, they do have the best intentions.

And through it, all remember, “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.” – Oprah

 

Do your part!

You’re probably tired of hearing this, but it needs to be said. We need to be reminded. We need to do our part.

If you are outraged by the new administration and their choices do something about it! Quit bitching on social media and fighting with your conservative family/friends.

Go to the website 10 Actions 100 Days. You can print WomensMarch postcards as well as put in your zip code and get the names and addresses of your Senators. It takes maybe 10 minutes.

Fuck, invite some friends over, let the vodka flow, and make a party out of it.

Big Black Dog

I typed most of this last night and then finished it this morning but couldn’t decide if I was going to post it or not. I am still very on the fence about it this afternoon. But I keep going back to the fact that I wanted this blog to be honest. And how honest would I be if I’m not sharing the difficult times right along with the wonderful, fun, and amazing times? I promise, the majority of this blog will be happy and fun. 🙂

I know I have opened up about my struggle with postpartum before, but I’m having a hard day today with my “big black dog.” I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I’ve gone through spurts where I’m on medication and I talk to someone but I always quit for one reason or another. I feel it’s time to get back to that. And because I don’t have anyone to talk to yet I’m talking to the cyber world. I also want to put this out there because I told myself, and all of you, I was going to be honest. I was going to lay it all out there, no matter how ugly. So here it is; I have a black dog, his name is depression.

big black dog.jpeg

I love this video appropriately named I had a black dog, his name was depression because it really explains how depression feels. It explains it in a way that someone who’s never suffered from depression can understand; which I know is an issue in my life. Simply put, my husband does not understand because he has never struggled with depression. My big black dog causes arguments. It causes hurt feelings. It causes problems. It’s hard on both Tyson and I. Tyson tries to be helpful and he tries to be supportive, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. Sometimes I don’t even know how he can be supportive. All of which I’m sure is incredibly frustrating. I’m sure it’s not easy to live with someone like me. I don’t blame him for getting frustrated or upset. Sometimes these moods just come out of the blue, for no reason at all.

Tyson tries to be helpful and he tries to be supportive, but sometimes he just doesn’t know how. But that’s my fault because sometimes I don’t even know how he can be supportive. All of which I’m sure is incredibly frustrating. I know it’s not easy to live with someone like me. I don’t blame him for getting frustrated or upset. Sometimes these moods just come out of the blue, for no reason at all.

There are days when I wake up and just want to lay in bed all day. Days when I get in the shower simply so I can cry and my kids and/or Tyson won’t see or hear me. Tyson will ask me what’s wrong and I tell him “I don’t know” because I truly don’t. I just woke up feeling so low it is almost crippling.

Just the other day I told him I was having a hard day, broke down, and started crying in front of him. We went about our usual daily activities and I tried to get over it, or at least hide it better. I thought I had done a pretty damn good job, but later that night he told me how my bad moods (or depression) put him in a bad mood. How I’m miserable to live with and be around when I’m like this. It’s gut wrenching to hear those things from someone you love. It’s such a reality check of how hard I’m making everyone’s lives. He’s told me this before a number of times, and every single time I make a promise to myself that I need to do a better job at hiding it. I need to do a better job at getting over what ever the fuck is wrong with my head. I need to do a better job with my life in general. I feel like I do good for a little while and then I have a hard few days and it happens all over again.

It happened again last night. I was told I’m miserable to be around, again. I felt like shit, again. I felt completely worthless, again. I went to bed to cry, again. I made promises to myself I knew I couldn’t keep, again.

I’m tired of fighting this.

I don’t want to be a miserable person to be around.

I don’t want to push my husband away.

I don’t want my children to see me like this.

It’s frustrating too because it doesn’t happen because something bad has happened, sometimes it just happens for no reason at all. It ramps up all of my anxieties and insecurities. It makes me cranky. It leaves me with little to no patience for anyone or anything. It stresses me out. It causes me to have anxiety.

It’s embarrassing. I hope people that meet me would never guess I struggle with anxiety and depression. I hope I’ve become good at hiding it. I hope I’ve become good at masking my problems.

Then there’s the issue of my anxiety. My anxiety can just hit me out of the blue. It can show itself when I least expect it. Or something can remind me of a bad time in my life or make me uncomfortable and I start to lose control. When either of these things happens I can’t catch my breath. My chest hurts. It feels like I can’t breathe. I try and hide it by yawning. I try and go into the other room to take a few deep breaths. I try to disappear. My brain just literally won’t shut down. I will lay in bed for hours. I can be exhausted but I can’t sleep because I’m just going over and over things in my head.

I’ve learned that my anxiety and depression go hand in hand. One does not come without the other.

I’m tired of being this way.

I promise myself all the time how I will change. How I will be in a better mood from now on. How I won’t let this get to me anymore. But it never works. I can never keep those promises to myself or my family.

I hate my big black dog.

Enough bitching, time to try and find a new psychologist or psychiatrist.  I am going to make a change for myself. I’ve been calling doctors this morning trying to find one taking new patients with an opening that fits in our schedule. Keep your fingers crossed I can find someone I like.

It’s time for a change.

My husband deserves better.

My children deserve better.

I deserve better.

 

 

 

I also like the video What causes anxiety and depression – Inside Out