I had so much positive feedback from my blog post “A First Hand Look At IVF” that I wanted to bring the other side to light. I asked Billy, Tiffany’s husband, to answer a few questions about how he felt as they were going through the IVF process.
Kudos to this amazing couple for going through such a difficult and trying process, making it out, and willing to be open with me and the rest of the world. I love you both dearly and feel so fortunate to be your friend.
How did you feel when you decided to start the IVF process?
“Scared.” He felt it was the last chance they had to have children, but he remembers their first appointment and the doctor talked about all the different options and levels that were available to them. Billy said, “I want to just go for it. I don’t care about the cost. I just want the best chance.” Which is completely understandable. When you don’t know what the issue is but there is a chance for you to have children I think most people would agree that they would do almost anything, especially if they can afford it.
Would you ever go through the process again?
“Yes, the hardest part about the process is watching your spouse go through everything she has to. The procedures, the shots, all the appointments, and all the medications. The hardest part of the process for me was giving her 1-2 shots every single night. I’m not a doctor, that’s not a fun thing for me to do. And thankfully I only messed up once.”
Now I’m interested, how did you mess up?
“I put the wrong needle on and she knew it. There’s a difference between a 12-gauge and a 28-gauge needle. One’s a needle and one’s a straw. I didn’t admit it for months!” I don’t know about getting shots in my stomach or butt but that sounds awful! I’m shocked Tiffany didn’t hit him!
In my interview with Tiffany, she opened up to me about how mean she could be at times. How did you deal with the nasty things Tiffany would say to you during the hormonal ups and downs? And are they worse than pregnancy hormones?
“I knew it wasn’t her fault, and I knew I deserved some of them. I also knew I had to be very careful about what I said. I was tolerating the mood swings for the greater good of our family. The drugs that they give you are the equivalent of having 3 menstrual cycles at 1 time. Nothing can compare to that. When you’re pregnant at least you’re happy that you are pregnant so you overcome that hormonal imbalance. You can mentally overcome it.”
Billy let me know that the drugs were so bad that after the second Chlomed cycle they were sitting at lunch and he decided to give Tiffany a puppy. They named her Chloe, short for Chlomed. Which I thought was adorable! But he did that to try and cheer Tiffany up.
How did you feel about the miscarriage?
“I was more concerned for her than me because she didn’t feel like a woman. She was afraid she was letting me down and she was afraid I would leave her.” I had to ask why she would be afraid he was going to leave her since it isn’t her fault. However, he knew this wasn’t her fault or his and if need be they would just adopt. Neither of them had any problem with adopting.
When he found out about the miscarriage he told me “I sat in the driveway and cried before going inside so when she saw me I would be the strong person and be supportive so she could have the support she needed.” I thought that was very thoughtful, but I’m sure it was hard to be that strong while your spouse is breaking.
How did going through this process affect your mental state?
Billy told he how much it made him appreciate what women have to go through in order to have children. He was recommended to read “The Female Brain” to understand how regardless of how someone wants to be, hormonally going through a pregnancy completely affects you. He’s glad he read that book because it helped him see things from a different perspective that he never would have gotten otherwise.
What would you say to other men going through this process with their partners?
“Everything comes to an end. You just have to fight through it. Don’t blame yourself and don’t blame your partner. If it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.” He did say the same thing as Tiffany, which was to talk to other people who were going through the same thing, or who had gone through the same thing helps. He consulted other men considering going through the process and it made him feel like he wasn’t alone or wrong.