My mom always used to say she was getting the ‘Mean Mom Award’ but she was never really that mean. She was just kind of obnoxious. And that’s exactly what I’ve done to my husband. I’ve been obnoxious.
Happy wife, happy life… Is that how the saying goes?
I just don’t know if that’s true or not. I would like to think it is, but why is it so god damn hard to make me happy sometimes?
I’m sitting in bed, which by the way is my new favorite place to write, wondering what in god’s name did I do to deserve my husband.
To give you a little background into this, I’ve been such a brat the past couple of days. He’s been in New York since Sunday afternoon working his butt off for his new company. And I’m at home working on a research paper, writing for this blog, taking care of our kids, visiting the Oakland Zoo lights with friends, etc. Nothing that hard. Yet I’ve been a brat to him and he doesn’t deserve it. He’s working 10+ hr days to provide for our family and I’m being sassy. Fuck me.
I’m not upset that he’s in New York for work, which has been the issue in the past. I am actually enjoying our time apart this time. I am enjoying the fact that I actually have a chance to miss him. However, I’m not enjoying getting up with our 1 year old at 3 in the morning. I’m ready for him to come home and resume that duty.
Anyway, back to me being sassy…
I have a hard time with my insecurities and I take them out on my husband. This has been a problem since before I met my husband. However, he’s the only one that has really stuck it out and tried to work through it with me. It’s a constant struggle for me. I will constantly find something new that isn’t good enough or is wrong with me. When I can finally overcome that insecurity another one pops up and takes its place.
This trip I have been upset because I’ve been worried that he’s enjoying his time in New York and remembering when he used to live there. Remembering when he used to live there with someone else. My husband made a very valid point tonight; it’s the one thing that has really made sense to me. These experiences of his were 15 years ago. Do you want to know what I was doing 15 years ago? I was in 6th grade! Let me repeat that, 6th fucking grade! While my husband was married to someone else, managing bands, volunteering at ground zero, and being an adult my biggest concern was probably something along the lines of my crazy mom, my spelling test, homework, and trying to wrap my head around why all the adults were so upset over 9/11. Yeah.
If you aren’t shaking your head at me you should be.
What the fuck am I upset about?
I don’t know why exactly it’s so hard for me to just get over it all and move on. I don’t know if it’s because they are experiences that I have never had and he has had them with someone else. I don’t know if it’s because I just let my mind wander and get the best of me. I don’t know if it’s because I am just struggling so bad with my own insecurities that I take something so small and insignificant and warp it into something ridiculous. Or maybe it’s a mixture of all of the above. I don’t know. But I hate it.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
My husband doesn’t deserve this.
And quite frankly, I don’t deserve this.
I wanted to write this post for a few reasons. I want this to be a place where I can be honest. I feel I will get the most honest feed back if I am being honest. I also feel that if I am honest I will find more likeminded people that I realize.
I also wanted to write this post to hold myself accountable. I want this to be a reminder for the next time my head starts going a little crazy. I want this to be a reminder that in a few hours I’m going to regret giving him attitude. I am going to regret making him upset. And I am going to regret that I have to go to bed and wake up without him tomorrow because he’s still in New York and I will still feel bad. I can’t hug him and make it all better. I have to wait until early Thursday morning to do that. And by then he will have moved on, he’s pretty good at that. And I will just be hugging him for my own comfort because he won’t even realize I still feel bad about giving him attitude or being crazy.
So next time, Ashley, get your shit together. Take a few deep breaths, and realize that what you have is great. Don’t sweat the small stuff and all that other inspirational crap. 🙂