I have debated posting this or not and finally decided that if I am going to commit to this I need to be as honest as possible and not hide the hard parts of our lives, to an extent. So, here you go world.
We recently went on a trip to Utah, which is where I am from. It was a trip from hell. Dear god I never want to do that again, kind of trip. This was the kind of trip that required a lot of vodka, and prosecco. Let me just start by saying I have a bit of anxiety and OCD. I need things planned out and in order to feel calm and at peace.
Tyson lost his job at the beginning of October and had been interviewing for weeks with no luck. We weren’t going to go to Utah unless he had a job, which is the responsible thing to do. He got an offer roughly a week and a half before we were supposed to leave, but it wasn’t the offer he wanted. He had his heart set on another. (I know I’m making it sound like a person. :D) Anyway, we did not know if we were going to go to Utah until maybe 3 days before we actually left. So you can imagine how my anxiety and stress levels were doing.
We had planned on leaving for Utah on Tuesday around 6 AM but of course things never go according to plan. Monday night the job Tyson was pining over called and wanted him to come in on Tuesday morning. I was so annoyed, upset, and frustrated. Long story short he went into the city, got the job, came home, and we left around 10 AM.
We were off! We were all excited and happy to be on the road. We busted out the Christmas music, both the boys were happy, everything was going perfectly. Until we hit Tahoe. We had car problems. We turned around, rented a car from Sacramento, and got to Ogden at 3:30 in the morning. A full 5 hours later than we were supposed to.
The majority of my family lives in Utah along with Tyson’s oldest brother. My brother and his family were visiting from San Diego, and Tyson’s brother and his family were visiting from Oregon. We had to pack in a lot of people and visits in a very short amount of time, but we made it work. We even got to take my brother out for the first time. I got to show him the bar I used to frequent 3 or 4 times a week. 😦 Brewskis is not quite what I remember it. I don’t know if it was all the sparkly jeans and affliction shirts, or all the scantily clad girls in 30 degree weather, but I was not impressed. I was quite disappointed in my younger self for frequenting this bar so much.
Speaking of 30 degree weather, I hate the cold. I know I lived in Utah for 24 years, but I honest to god forgot how damn cold it gets! I hated it. However, the snow was beautiful, from inside. 😉
On our way home Saturday night we got caught up in a snow storm. We had to stop in Reno and buy snow tires, for the rental car, and drive through Tahoe at 35 mph. My husband is such a trooper! I slept a lot of the trip and he drove the entire way, without complaint. ❤
Now, comes the hard part. We obviously spent some time with my mother. I love her, I really do. I just have a hard time being around her. I don’t like some of the choices she makes and some of the things she says. Now this really wouldn’t be a problem, except I now have two young children I need to raise and protect. So we went to dinner on Friday night with my brother, Skylar, his wife, Savannah, my mom, Michelle, and her boyfriend, Todd. It was fine. Todd hardly said a word, so it was mostly filled with superficial conversation.
On Saturday we went to my mom’s for a BBQ with my uncles, which was also fine. She made normal ‘Michelle’ comments that were frustrating and hurtful, we left, and everyone was fine. However, I wasn’t really fine. I was hurt. I was hurting for my brother. I was scared for my kids. I needed to say something. I brought it up to my husband and my dad and step mom before I did anything ‘drastic’.
I gathered my thoughts and called my mother to confront her. Now, let me tell you, I don’t do this often. It’s hard for me to stand up for myself to people I love. Extremely hard. If I don’t know you I will mouth off with no hesitation, but if I love you, I will take a lot for me to say anything. Or I get drunk and say something stupid. I confronted her about my issues, she got mad and hung up on me. I tried calling her back a few times and she ignored me. She also tried to call my dad, who she’s been divorced from for 18 years, and complain. All of which is in true Michelle fashion. I am not proud of this but I called and left her a mean voice mail. I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. I was tired of being the adult in our relationship.
I eventually got her back on the phone and I think we worked things out. I got to tell her how I was feeling. She got to tell me what she thought about it all. We showed each other some true emotions, which hasn’t happened in a very long time. I’m not pleased with how the conversation went, I feel like she never really told me the truth. I don’t think I’m ever going to get the answers I want, and I just have to be okay with that. However, I’m proud of myself for standing up to her. I’m proud of myself for reaching out to my dad for help. And I’m proud of myself for not giving in to her like I used to do.
I know it’s hard, and I’m not perfect, but find your voice! Stand up for yourself. It may take a few vodka tonics, but it’s worth it. ❤